All Posts · Dear Diary/Life

Diary Entry – February 3, 2014 — “Sleeping With a Friend”

“We are both young, hot-blooded people. It could be lethal, sleeping with a friend.”

“You got me in the mood.. if my heart’s gonna break before the night will end.. we’re in danger, sleeping with a friend.”

Dear Diary,

Hm. I’m not quite sure where to begin…. it has been an interesting past few days. I guess I’ll just start writing. I can’t say that I didn’t ever think about it happening, or didn’t see it coming. Yet, at the same time, it was unexpected – in the best way possible. I’m a pretty private person, and details aren’t necessary anyway, but I’ll just say, for what it was, it didn’t fall short of what I hoped. 🙂

It’s very hard for me to act casual around him these days. But, why? I suppose it’s because I might have feelings for him. Those type of feelings. Okay, not “might.” I do. I have for a long, long while. But from the start, I knew these feelings would lead nowhere, so why get all worked up about it? Ask any one of your friends, and they will tell you: falling for a friend is one of the top terrible ideas of terrible ideas. Especially if they do not feel the same way towards you. I told myself I would brush these feelings under the rug, so to speak. If I thought that then, now I must truly do so. For my sake. And for his. (Although I feel like none of this would be news to him. Somehow, he knows).

When it comes to hooking up and dating, there is a chart that I mentally store in my head that contains a “right” and a “wrong” column. It’s usually a pretty easy thing to decide. I know the feeling I get when I’m with the right person, I know when it’s worth it. Unfortunately, there have been very few “rights” that I’ve come across in college. Often, the timing is wrong, the emotion isn’t there, & I don’t feel comfortable enough with them. This has been one of the hardest parts of college social life so far. I’ve found that I personally clash with this “hookup culture” that is all around me. It is a detriment, but also something I pride myself on. I know what I want and know what is best for me, and I don’t settle for anything less.

I’m glad to say that he is in the “right” column, & one of very few. (By few, I mean like… two total. Yeah, my standards are high). I hope this is where he will stay. That’s a testament to who he is as a person. Maybe someday I’ll tell him this, but not now.

It’ll be almost 2 years that I’ve been single, & this whole time, I’ve had my guard up completely. I’m not sure if I can keep it up much longer. If anyone can break it down, he can.

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