All Posts · Dear Diary/Life

All Too Quiet

“Nothing haunts us like the things we don’t say.” -Mitch Albom

I’m often guilty of replaying moments in my head, and wondering what I should have done or said. I’ve found that silence is my cushion. It protects me from getting hurt, being judged, being vulnerable. As I started college this year and began a new chapter of my life, I had to let some of this go. I was forced to live outside of my comfort zone for once, and I think it did me a world of good. I am still a more reserved and quiet person, but I think I’ve grown a lot over these past nine months and learned that opening yourself up to people isn’t so bad after all. Yet, more often than not, when I actually feel like I really need to say something or share a secret of mine, is the hardest time of all for me to speak up.

I have my share of secrets. I’ve kept secrets for friends, and from them. Sometimes, you almost slip up, as you lose track of who is and isn’t supposed to know the secret. Other times, your own secrets get out, and your whole world feels like it’s closing in on you. Who can you really confide in? Ernest Hemingway has some interesting words of advice: “The best way to know if you can trust somebody, is to trust them.”

But what happens when you’re kept quiet by your own secrets- and must resort to lying to your friends and pretending like everything is okay? This is something I’ve dealt with all too many times before. The words run through your head, but your lips remained sealed. Being constricted by these thoughts leads to a lot of silent moments and expressions of gazing off into the distance while those around you freely share every bit of themselves. Maybe, sometime soon, I will be able to do that as well. With the right people. The ones that I know will not judge me, but they’ll understand. A long explanation won’t be required.

My leap of faith is going to require breaking the silence. Although this may be hard, it must be done.

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