All Posts · Dear Diary/Life

Standing Still

“Do you want me, like I want you.. or am I standing still?”

I know I shouldn’t think about him anymore. But, cleaning out some of my closet drawers last night, I found a box of burned CD’s he had made for me in 7th or 8th grade. One of them particularly caught my attention- one on which he had wrote “JEWEL for my jewel” in black sharpie. I put the CD in my stereo and the first track that came on was my favorite. It was our song. “Standing Still.”

It started off as a joke. We both have older sisters who are a similar age and liked Jewel when they were in high school.. I remember being in his sister’s car as the song blasted through the speakers. He imitated Jewel’s high pitched voice in the chorus along with exaggerated facial expressions and gestures, and he made me laugh, so he continued to imitate her. Soon, we were all singing the song at the top of our lungs. It became our little inside joke. We’d sing the chorus at random moments in school or if we felt like being silly. We would make fun of the cheesy lyrics in which she sang about love, something we knew nothing about. Over time, though, as we grew older, I actually grew to like the song more than just an inside joke, and I listened to Jewel’s whole album one day. I shared this with him, and he confessed to me, he liked it too! (GASP! A boy who likes girly music!)

He would often leave the burned discs on my desk at school, in the front zipper pocket of my backpack for me to find later, or a few times, he left them on my lawn. Very romantic, huh? I’ll admit I swooned more than I should have- but can you blame me!? I was twelve or thirteen and this was the closest thing to love I had ever experienced.

Listening to the song last night evoked some different memories for me. It’s bittersweet. It takes me back to the wonderful days of my childhood, running around playing outside and having nothing to worry about. Young love was new, exciting, and carefree. But it also brought back some bad memories. I remember the day where I shoved all of these CD’s in a box and into my dark closet, swearing to never open it & go back to that place. I felt like I had wasted so much of my time with him.

These CD’s represent a past where I like to visit every now and then, but not somewhere I want to stay. I miss the boy that made me these. He became someone I didn’t know, which was scary, because I had known him for 9 years of my life.

I didn’t think I would get over him. I didn’t think I would ever be able to listen to Jewel again. I guess I was wrong.

I wonder if he has listened to “Standing Still” since then, or if something has reminded him of the lyrics, or the melody… and he too misses that bright-eyed, energetic boy and the girl he called his “jewel” that adored him. ♥

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