I see 3 AM come and go much too often these days… I toss and I turn in a state of restlessness. I don’t deserve sleep, I think. So I stay up another hour, another two hours, three… the morning light is coming in. Time flies when you’re finding reasons to hate yourself.
I have begun to dislike the girl I see when I look in the mirror. I’m mad – for caring too much, for loving too much – you may think, hey, that doesn’t sound so bad- but it is, when you lose your senses, lose yourself… I willingly put everything on the line, and I lost. I ask myself why and I come to the answer in a moment – isn’t it obvious? I’ve always felt who I was would not cut it – simply not enough -pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough. But I also knew I was too emotional, too worried, too self-aware.
So, I am either too much of something, or missing something. There’s no in between, is there? Balance is something we all want, but few of us are able to get there. We are teetering, tottering on either side, and are lucky enough if we get close enough to the middle. I guess that is where some sort of happiness lies.
I hate my body. And I hate what it’s reminding me of… these thoughts, like flies.. I keep trying to swat them away but they’re landing on me, escaping, coming back again… they’re too quick. I can’t seem to catch them in time. They have made my home their home. They’re circling around me late at night with that all too familiar buzzing in my ear.
What should I name them? Desire? Sexuality? Desperation? Innocence? Curiosity? Let’s see.. oh, I recognize one of them. It’s attention. And this attention I seek, is one I want that only you can give me. The inner goddess inside of me is jumping up and down. No! My subconscious scolds her. In a flash they’re at each other, in attack mode. They’re playing tug of war, and so far my inner goddess is winning. Why am I rooting for her? Does she now live in my heart? I feel ashamed for being okay with that, for letting her in, like a welcome guest. Is it so wrong for such thoughts and feelings to live in the purest part of me? Is my innocence still there? I can’t see her anymore, but I want to know she’s okay.
The biggest question of all…. have I given too much to this woman whom I barely know? Has she taken advantage of my hospitality? I feel I’ve made a mistake, and there’s no kicking her out now. But maybe, this new friend of mine, and the old part of me… perhaps they are becoming one.
Soon I’ll be alone, with these thoughts she has brought to me, like housewarming gifts. She’ll stay with me – laughing, snickering, teasing me. She’ll remind me every day what I fool I am.. the fool amongst fools. “Even introducing him to me was not enough, you see? ” I’m afraid to admit she is right. Soon, she’ll become restless and impatient with me. I’m too boring for her. She’s taking me somewhere for some excitement.. her definition of excitement. Where are we now?
Oh. There I am. It’s me – but I am not myself. I am Eve, in the garden of Eden. The serpent is in front of me, hissing sweet words and wonders. I cannot resist.
(sleep is overrated, anyway)